Knowing how to give good advice – and receive it – is essential for leadership positions. Or even if this is not your case, in your social circle there are sure to be people who will benefit from hearing the right words at the right time.
Before we start talking about more, we must understand that we have an uncontrolled need to give advice. We like to appear superior; or at least “more powerful”, as a study published in 2012 shows.
Even that impetus to help can be detrimental to the person seeking advice; because ironically Sometimes it is more important to give advice than to give good advice.
Depending on the situation, it may take a long time for the person seeking advice to get to the point. She may be clouded by emotions that prevent her from synthesizing her ideas and being concrete about the problem she is facing; in fact, it is quite possible that he has not identified the problem.
If we add to that that we want to be the hero who saves the day with his great advice, we have a bad result: We do not let talk, the other person cannot give the necessary information, we assume many things and we say the first idea we have. in the head.
For Michael Bungay, coach and author, that need to give advice is epitomized by the Advice Monster (The counselor monster); which has 3 different costumes -or personalities-:
Types of counselors you should avoid.
Without fear of being wrong, I can assure you that at some point in which you have advised, you have adopted one of these 3 personalities.
the talker: This personality thinks that the only way to add value to a situation is to be the leading authority and always have the right answers. He loves being the center of attention and explaining out loud why his opinion is more important than that of others.
the demure: This personality is more subdued, which makes it more difficult to detect. They don’t want to attract attention but are equally convinced that they have all the solutions. Furthermore, they believe that only they can save the situation and it is their moral responsibility to do so.
The controller: This personality of the counselor monster he wants to convince you to keep a tight rein on everything at all times; emphasizing that others cannot be trusted.
When they ask you for advice, try to identify if you are falling into any of these personalities. It is also essential to be able to recognize when that “advice monster” comes out more easily. Since only when we can control it, is that we can learn how to give good advice.
It can be when you are in front of a certain type of people. For example, those who are less experienced than you. Or in some situations, for example at work if you see that someone is about to make a mistake.
Once you identify the causes, think about how you act. Do you give advice without being asked? Do you like to fill in the silences in a conversation? Do you not let others speak because you think that your opinion/advice is 100% valid?
Do not forget that the most important thing is not to fall into the easy way of talking for the sake of talking. With this clear, let’s see how to give good advice.
7 keys to learn how to give good advice.
For the interaction to take place correctly, the counselee and the counselor must be in the best disposition; Be respectful of the other party’s ideas and be patient, as the conversation can go off the rails.
So to learn how to give advice, you can rely on the following keys:
1. Ask permission to advise.
If you are in a situation, be it personal or work, in which you are sure that you can help, it is better that you ask permission to give your advice. The main reason is because the other person will not be receptive if they feel that a point of view is being forced on them.
Human beings tend to be proud and for many, receiving advice and applying it is similar to “surrendering to the will of another”.
2. Listen more than you talk.
The best thing you can do at this point is to resemble a child who is always open to learn. And the best way to do it is by listening carefully.
With attentively, I mean doing it in an empathic way, in the opposite sense to what Ximena Vengoechea defines in her book, Listen Like You Mean It, as superficial listening.
This is when you hear the words but don’t bother paying attention to the underlying meaning. And as a result there is unsolicited advice, that you interrupt your interlocutor or assume that their experience has been the same as yours.
ANDlisten empathically involves striving to understand the meaning behind the words, making the other person feel that you really listen to them and freely express their emotions. And to achieve this, you need to work in 3 areas:
Empathy: It’s about being able to imagine what another person is feeling without necessarily injecting your own emotions.
Modesty: Do not judge and give the other person all the confidence to share the good, the bad and the ugly.
Curiosity: You must be “all ears” to what the other person has to say, even if it is not a topic that you find completely interesting.
3. Ask good questions.
It is essential to understand that before giving good advice, we must ask more and better questions.
Imagine a doctor who doesn’t listen to his patients. How can you diagnose and prescribe a medication? Their duty is to listen to you and ask you the right questions to narrow down possible solutions.
The same happens when learning how to give good advice. If you want to make a good diagnosis you must let the other person vent, and the best way to do it is through open questions.
- What do you have in mind?
- What happened? Tell me from the beginning.
Don’t jump into your opinion immediately when you feel like the other person doesn’t have much more to say. Asking him something as simple as: “and what else?, will make him continue to give you information. You can also continue the chat with:
- What is the result you are looking for?
- What is the challenge for you?
- What would you be willing to sacrifice?
By asking good questions you project yourself as a better leader who helps those around you find purpose and wisdom.
4. Identify if you are the ideal person to give the advice.
If you think you won’t be helpful to the other person, it’s best to be honest from the start. It may be because you don’t know about the topic that the other person needs -in a work environment- or because you don’t have the time or willingness to collaborate.
Remember that listening empathically requires concentration and dedication, otherwise, bad advice from you and insecurities from the other person will emerge.
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5. Find several possibilities.
A problem can have more than one solution and it is your role to unravel the truth behind all the information that the other person gives you.
Regardless of whether the other person is the one seeking advice, you can work together to analyze the data and come up with various alternatives. This will make communication flow more and the result more of a possibility, making it more likely that the problem will be fixed.
6. Make the other person feel safe.
The human brain is excellent at looking to the horizon and looking for potential threats. This is not just about our ancestors who had to watch out for predators; defense mechanisms are also activated when we are going to have a difficult conversation.
The result is that we can get defensive and this does not let the conversation flow. So you can take advantage of these 3 strategies:
Make him feel like you are part of his team.: Be empathetic, nod so your body language sends the right signals, and use words like “we”
Make him feel that you are on his level.: Do not fall into the game of showing yourself superior or stronger. Show vulnerability and if you went through a situation similar to that of the other person, speak humbly about your process without forgetting that you are not the protagonist of the moment.
Let him know that his opinion is very important: The other person may look to you to find solutions, but that is different from you having to find them alone.
7. Follow up.
Giving good advice is not limited to a single talk. Sometimes a person can look for you because he does not know how to face personal or professional changes that are not overnight.
If it is a process, accompany the other person as many times as you can and they want. Be part of her path.
Conclusion.
It is normal to be tempted to give advice compulsively, but sometimes it can be counterproductive because we say the first thing that comes to mind without even letting the other person speak.
The 7 keys that you saw will help you give good advice, based on active listening and sowing the ground so that the talk is given in the best way.
I hope this information will be of great help to you 🙂
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And remember, if you are really interested in creating your own business, you can read our book “How to create a company while working: Discover how to manage your time, manage your money and motivate yourself while creating a company and working for another” , where you will find all the information you need to found your own company, without having to leave your job.
